If you Travel, you will Need to Fly
Have you ever found yourself thinking, “Sometimes, Flying feels like the worst thing ever!” Well, if you have then you’re not alone. I am gonna be brutally honest here and say that even though I love to travel, flying can sometimes be a pain in the butt! I mean, I hate to complain because I am lucky enough to travel quite frequently, but flying can irritate me like nothing else (don’t get me started on the seats that feel like they are made for Hobbits). In the moment, I try not to say anything because I don’t want to be rude. I also understand that people are human beings, who make mistakes. As a result, things don’t always go according to plan. That’s okay because I do strive to go with the flow (Sometimes I am not so successful at this), but that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about how annoyingly funny airplane travel can be. So here is a hopefully humorous list of all the times when flying feels like the worst thing ever!
1. You get seated next to a screaming baby.
While I should be more sympathetic to parents traveling with children (I have done this as a nanny and it can be brutal), I still HATE when a baby is screaming throughout the entire flight. Not only is it impossible to sleep, but you emerge from the plane with a migraine and the distinct urge to get your tubes tied, as soon as possible. At least Screaming babies are a great form of birth control!
2. You have your period on the plane (and let’s just say that it’s not a light day).
I always freak out when I’m flying and I have a heavy flow because it opens the door to a thousand and one, anxiety laden questions that continuously swirl through my head. Will I have enough pads and/or tampons? Will I leave a spot on the seat? How long can I wait before I have to desperately crawl all over everyone in my row, just to get to the bathroom (and of course find it occupied)? Should I MacGyver it and use some toilet paper as a back up? And the list goes on and on since period problems are seemingly endless. That doesn’t even include the guilt you feel every time you have to say, “Excuse me, I need to use the restroom again (And yes, they are judging you because you have just become problem number twenty-two).”
3. You have to Check Your Carry On.
You go to all the trouble of packing light, and finally squeeze all your gear into a munchkin size carry on bag, when the flight attendant suddenly announces that the overhead storage compartments are “filled to maximum capacity.” Therefore, you are required to check your carry on, and endure the entire flight without your trusty, in flight survival kit. Not only is this the worst, but you are left feeling resentful of anyone who actually has their carry on with them. I totally get it. The in flight struggle is real.
4. Your neighbor is a nose picker.
Nothing is more foul then when you look over and you see your neighbor, nonchalantly, picking their nose. Not only does this make me want to hurl, but you know they’re gonna smear their snot all over the arm rest right next to your. Just keep your eyes peeled and watch out for any green, slimy surprises.
5. You get seated next to a couple that just needs to get a room already.
You look over and want to gag. The couple next to you is huddled together, whispering sickeningly sweet pet names, like pookie bear, to one another. To top it all off, they are also holding hands, gently caressing each other’s hair, and sitting on each other’s lap. Seriously guys? It’s only an 8 hour flight and you two are seated right next to each other. Couldn’t the overt public displays of affection wait until we have landed, and until you are not in close proximity to over a hundred people? No, you can’t wait? Well, then go become a member of the mile high club because I don’t want to see it (This is coming from a single person, but I’m not bitter! I swear! LoL).
6. Beverage Service that leaves you dying of thirst.
If you read this blog then you probably know that I am a diet soda whore. So, I always ask for diet soda on all of my flights. Well, they do give me some, but it’s about a thimble full. So naturally, I guzzle the whole, ‘glass” in about a minute. Now, I don’t want to be annoying, but I am dying of thirst (think Sahara Desert dry) after my glorified shot of soda. I first try waiting for the beverage service to come back around, but it is impossible. I need a liquid of some kind, stat! That’s when I finally pluck up the courage to call over the flight attendant, who informs me that they have a limited supply of diet soda and can only provide each passenger with one cup. Super! Who doesn’t love being under-caffeinated and having dry mouth the whole flight? I guess they don’t realize that is in the world’s best interest to keep me as caffeinated as humanly possible.
7. Nothing to Watch!! Where have all the good shows gone?
Whether you are in the air, or on land, there is just never anything to watch. The only programs they have are the shows that you didn’t want to watch when they first came out; that’s why you haven’t seen them yet. Thank God Netflix now lets you download shows to watch. I mean, I would-be;t want to have to READ or anything (Just kidding. I actually love to read).
8. Delays, delays, and oh yes, more delays
Come on, you mean you don’t love wandering the corridors of the world’s smallest airport, impatiently waiting for your flight to take off? I know I just love looking at the same store merchandise over and over again. Well, at least I can pass the time getting something to eat. But wait, it gets better! They only have a vending machines and McDonald’s because everything else is closed. Life just got THAT much better. Now, only seven hours, fifty-five minutes, and twelve seconds till my plane departs, but whose counting (Insert sarcasm here)?
9. Turbulence that makes you think, “We’re all gonna die”
You know that moment when the plane starts shaking uncontrollably and you suddenly remember that scene in Final Destination where the plane exploded, killing everyone aboard ? Well, that moment always shoots waves of terror throughout my body, as I involuntarily imagine the plane plummeting into the sea. I should have paid more attention during that safety announcement…
11. Recycled air, which makes you believe that you will contract Bubonic Plague.
I enter the plane and hear someone cough. Instantaneously, remember that the air in a plane is recirculated, and scenes from the movie Outbreak flood into my mind (especially the bleeding eyes. They scarred me for life). I then convince myself that someone onboard has pet a rapid monkey and is going to infect us all. I know, I’ll just breathe with my hand over my mouth, then everything will be okay (I swear I’m not THIS neurotic).
12. The line for the bathroom is longer than the line for a Justin Timberlake concert.
Seriously? What are people doing in there? Are they having a baby? Plus, why does it seem that everyone always descends upon the bathroom at the same time? Then I remember that we all just got beverage service, finally.
13. You let out an atomic bomb of delight in the bathroom, and the next person in line is insanely hot.
You finally get to the bathroom and let it rip. You almost wish they had a gas mask for the next person but such is life. At least you feel ten pounds lighter. Then you open the door and come face to face with the hottest guy ever ( or girl. No judgement here). You’re mortified because he will associate you with that god awful stench that is in the bathroom. You want to scream, “It wasn’t me!! It was the lady before me!!Besides, it’s not my fault!! Dairy just doesn’t agree with me!” Then you remember that it doesn’t matter what other people think (unless they’re hot).
14. You’re seated next to someone who doesn’t understand that headphone are the universal sign for silence.
Yes, I’m sure your mother is lovely, and I bet that you can’t wait to see her, but I don’t need to hear explicit details of your birth. That’s why I’ll just put my headphones in and make this all go away. Oh awesome. You are now talking above my headphones, so that I can’t hear anything I want to listen to (that does not include you, for the record). I guess you didn’t get the memo that headphone usage is a universal sign for, “Leave me alone!”
15. When they charge you for everything
Me: Excuse me, miss? Can I have an extra napkin to wipe something up?
Flight Attendant: Of course! No problem. That will be $59. Would you like to pay with cash or a credit card?
Me: Oh, I’ll use my…Wait what? (It always feels like this when you fly with either American or discount airlines)
16. When you try to board the wrong flight
That moment when you go to your boarding gate and hear the words, that travel nightmares are made of, “Sorry mam, (because they always call you something that makes you feel as old as dirt) you’re at the wrong gate.” Sadly, this has happened to me more than once. And they never want to help you find your real gate either. They just basically say you’re screwed and continue collecting tickets . This happened to me at one airport that had two flights to JFK, at the exact same time. Of course, I choose poorly and picked the flight that wasn’t mine. Oooppppsss.
17. When you accidentally leave the airport 20 minutes before your flight (Maybe that’s just me)
This one is my own, epically awful travel blunder du jour. I was in the airport, outside Barcelona, waiting for my flight. I had some time to kill so I decided to wander around the terminal. Well, I somehow got lost and found myself outside the terminal, headed towards customs. Panic ensued as I realized that my flight departed in 20 minutes, and I now had to go back through security. Thank God my flight was late at night because the airport was deserted and security took no time at all. I still had to hustle to the gate, but ended up making my flight (Don’t make this mistake! Ask for help!).
18. When you can’t really call what they serve food, at least not in the classic sense
I get so bored on flights that I actually look forward to meal service. I am always curious to see what they have to offer, and if it is any good. Usually, the answer to this second question is no because half the time, I don’t even know what I’m eating. One time, they gave me my dish and I said, “Oh no, I didn’t want the chicken. I ordered the pasta.” The flight attendant curtly replied, “No, that is the pasta.” Oh, okay. In that case, I’m glad I didn’t see what the chicken looked like. I’ll just save this dish for never, thanks.
19. You have to stow your carry on in the overhead bin for the WHOLE flight.
This one is so petty but come on, the whole point of having a carry on is to be able to get what you want at any time. I don’t want to have to climb over a herd of people just to get to my bag. I’m not very dainty and will probably end up giving someone a black eye. Plus, once I do emerge from my cavern of a row, I have to stand on my tippy toes and heave my bag out of the overhead bin. Oh the pain! Oh the agony! Oh the humanity and how I suffer so!! Oh the theatrics (Yeah this one is a total luxury problem)!
20. When your flight attendant is like the missing
daughter in Taken. daughter in Taken.
Flight attendant? We have a flight attendant? Where? Who? I thought she got held hostage or eaten alive
by snakes on a plane. Looks like we need a GPS tracker stat. That or we can have a scavenger hunt and the first one to find her wins!!
21. When your flight is overbooked and you don’t get bumped up to either business class or first class.
This is the exact moment when all your dreams vanish, like dust in the wind. Who knew that airline representatives had the power to completely break hearts all over the world? It’s also equally awful if you get bumped up to business or first class, and the flight is like an hour. The whole scenario just feels like a waste of an upgrade.
22. Someone in your row is a serial bathroom user.
Nothing is worse then when you finally start to dose off, and someone not so gently taps you on the shoulder. You subtlety open one eye half way, just in time to hear them say, “Excuse me. I need to go to the bathroom,” And this would be totally fine if it only happened once. But then it happens again and again and again, until you just want to hand them a diaper and say, “Here, this should solve all you problems, but after the flight see a doctor.”
23. The airline loses the luggage they forced you to check.
Good job random airline. You have once again totally and completely let me down. At least I have an excuse to buy a whole new wardrobe with all the money I don’t have after my trip.
24. When you can never, ever sleep on a plane.
Any time I emerge from a plane, I look like a cast member from The Night of the Living Dead. That’s because, for whatever reason, I just CANNOT fall asleep on a plane. I have tried pillows, eye masks, sleeping pills, ear plugs, etc. You name it and I’ve tried it. So it’s the absolute worst when you sit there and watch everyone else serenely, fall asleep, dreaming of their final destination (pun intended). Meanwhile, I am up and compulsively checking the flight map, watching the plane slowly inch towards our destination. Sleep, you can be a cruel cruel mistress, that’s for sure.