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The Vacation Lies we Tell Ourselves Year after Year (Actually they’re fibs. Maybe even just stretching the truth…)

Hi my name is Kelly, and I am in vacation denial (I tell myself vacation lies all the time). I have all these good intentions for my vacations, and somehow, they never seem to materialize. I mean my pants just always seem to get smaller, while my wallet always seems to get lighter (I think it should be the other way around, don’t you?). I am often perplexed by this and am left wondering, how did this happen to me again?

Well, if you’re a frequent traveller, and anything like me, then you may be suffering from vacation denial syndrome (insert cheesy people from a lame American medication ad here). If you identify with 4 or more of the statements below, then you too may have a chronic condition known as acute vacation denial. Sadly, there is no known cure, but if you or a loved one is suffering from this tragic condition, immediately consult a doctor. Symptoms include, but are not limited to a lack of money, tighter clothing, one person owning enough luggage for a family of six, sitting on your luggage to close it, a need for the surgical removal of your cell phone from your hand, the use of a selfie stick for greater than five hours a day, etc.

WARNING: This condition is serious and you should NOT ignore the lies that you tell yourself before you start a vacation. LoL. Just kidding!! it is totally not serious but do check out these hilarious lies that I tell myself before I travel. I know someone out there can relate. Maybe. Sort of. God I hope so…

1. Guys, I’m really gonna eat sensibly. Like no carbs at all. Okay maybe some bread, but that’s it.

I tell myself that I’m going to eat healthy, and then by the second day of vacation, this is what I end up having for breakfast. #thestruggleisreal

Like with any lie we tell ourselves, it starts off as a good intention. You make a promise to yourself that you just won’t eat any carbs while you’re away. This quickly becomes, “Well, I need to have a pastry from that famous cafe because I may never get the chance to eat there again. But other than that, I am totally gonna eat healthy. Like all salads and grilled chicken, with dressing on the side. That level healthy.”

Next thing you know, you’re at the airport thinking, “Well, I better eat now because airplane food always sucks and if I don’t eat, I am gonna be one angry beast because it’s a long flight. So I guess I just have to have pizza since nothing else is around.”

Then, three days later, you’re on a cupcake tour of a city and silently wondering to yourself, “How did I get here?” But then you let it go because hey, food is a cultural experience and you need to experience a culture fully on your trip, right? Plus, calories don’t count on vacation (don’t worry, I got you). Yup. I totally get it.

2. I won’t pack that much this trip. But I do have to pack my brand new boots. I mean I JUST got them so I HAVE to use them on vacation.

I’m only bringing like five different bags on a three day trip. Do you think that’s be enough?

Every time I travel, I give myself a little impromptu, pep talk before I pack my bags. I look in the mirror and think, “Alright Kelly. Today is the day that you are going to pack absolutely only the BARE essentials. I mean, minimalism is in, so channel your inner cool kid. Plus, the less you pack, the less you have to carry. ” And in that moment, I truly believe that I will not overpack.

But then that voice in my head chimes in like, “But you just got those new boots and you will look so cute in your photos if you wear them. And that hair straightener, I mean you NEED that because what if you run into your future husband, only he passes right by you because your hair is a frizzy mess and you look like a fungus of awful? Then you’ll die alone and get eaten by a herd of cats, so better bring the hair straigthener.” But once such seemingly, logical thinking sets in, my endeavors to pack light are all but obliterated. The pangs of anxiety set in and I start to get nervous about leaving anything and everything behind. The result is that I just end up stuffing my suitcase with a bunch of useless junk that I never even end up wearing, but I have to pack it just in case (You never know. I might need a coat in Hawaii because a nuclear bomb could go off and then nuclear winter would set in. And you never know, I might get post apocalyptically chilled)! So inevitably, I end up sitting on my suitcase, just to get it closed. But honestly guys, life is so unpredictable so it’s really not my fault that I packed too much. Right (lol)?

3. Okay. This time I am really gonna BUDGET and only take public transportation. I refuse to get into a single taxi.

So we all know that if you are trying to travel on a budget (and I always am because I am forever saving for my next trip), then public transportation is the WAY to go. I mean, sure you can get lost and yes, lugging all your crap around is a pain in the ass, but it’s a small price to pay (to the oh mighty travel Gods) when you think about all the money you save.

No for real guys, spending all my money on taxis is a good thing because you know what they say, “Mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

But see, um… I am a really proud person and HATE asking for help. I mean, on my last flight, I refused to let anyone help me get my bag down from the overhead compartment. The result? The bag ended up smacking me in the face and giving me a bruise on my face (someone literally was like, “Oh my God, is your husband beating you?” To which I gingerly replied, “Nope, but thanks for reminding me I’m still single”). So yeah, clearly I have a huge ego and abhor asking for assistance which is exactly why all my intentions of taking mass transit go totally awry.

See, our tale of woe always starts with a small idea, that I can actually find the place that I want to go to (OMG. This is my first mistake because I could get lost in a cardboard box). I refuse to ask for directions because I convince myself that I can do it (Me woman, hear me roar) and then inevitably, I get totally lost and end up in the very part of the city that all the mobsters hide the dead bodies ( err…umm…I mean evidence). So between the exhaustion from walking around aimlessly for two hours, and the cluster of “working girls” that I spot on the street corner (OMG, I stepped on something sticky and crunchy. Get it away), I eventually give up and just hail a taxi, and then curse myself for doing so because I gave up too soon and spent way too much money.


4. I’m not going to buy a lot while I’m away. I mean, I am trying to be more minimalist and reduce my carbon foot print anyway. Ohh look, Duty Free! We don’t have anything this cute in the US!

I say the mantra over and over again. “Okay, I can do this. It’s no problem. I don’t need things, I’m a traveller. I collect memories. A new bag is like the price of a round trip flight. Okay. Makes sense. Deep breath. I have made it this far without buying anything crazy. I can just keep walking…” Until I see the first duty free shop in the airport. Then all my resolve turns to complete mush and I hear myself saying, “OMG, what a deal. I have to buy this. It would be a crime not to. Besides, I’m in Paris. How could I not buy a Longchamp? It’s a part of the culture. And they are so cheap that I should just get two. I can always use another bag.” And after all this I wonder why my bag seems to have shrunk miraculously shrunk on vacation . Well, I guess this traveler isn’t above being a materialistic, consumer whore (totally kidding).

Me gasping and panting after walking five steps. How I think I’m gonna run anywhere, I have no idea. Oh wow, ice cream truck!! Run to catch it! I need my Good Humor Bar stat!

5. I am packing my sneakers and I swear I am going to run like everyday. I mean, then I can eat more right?

Yeah. I think I can apply this to my life in general because I recently got a gym bag and sneakers in the hope of “encouraging myself” to run after work. Well, it’s not going so well. The tags are still on both items, which are covered in a thick layer of dust that probably isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

So why I think i’ll magically exercise on vacation is beyond me. Nine times out of ten, the workout clothes and sneakers never leave my luggage, as I speed walk (panting) to the “must try” bakery down the block from my hotel (and you know I booked the hotel because it was so close to this epic eatery). Okay I lied. I do wear the yoga pants, but that’s because the elastic waistband is so comfy.

6. I’ll get up early and take a picture of the sunrise. It won’t be crowded and the pictures will look amazing.

First of all, I am NOT a morning person. Seriously, don’t talk to me in the morning or you will get a death stare that is followed by a string of increasingly awful profanities. So saying that I hate mornings is probably an understatement. I loathe mornings with the burning fury of a thousand suns. The only good thing about mornings is that it is a time of day at which it is socially acceptable to drink coffee, but that’s it. Oh and breakfast food. But nothing else.

I’m sorry, were you saying something? Can you not because I’m updating my Facebook status right now. And yes, it is THAT important.

However, in spite of my natural tendencies, I still convince myself that I am going to get up early, before all the crowds descend upon the local tourist attractions, and snag some amazing shots like the ones I see on Instagram. You know, the photos that get like 10,000 likes in about 2 seconds? Yes, I wanna be that cool. But I’m not ever going to be because my alarm goes off and all I can think is, “Wow, I am getting up earlier on vacation than I would for work. Wait, why am I doing this to myself again? Someone please remind me.”

As a result, I end up deliriously shutting off my alarm and sleeping through the free breakfast that was one of the only reasons why I booked this hotel in the first place (Sometimes it really pays to be a morning person).

7. Guys, I am not gonna look at my phone ONCE while I’m away. I really need to disconnect.

Lies all lies. I am a total social media junkie. This resolve totally crumbles as soon as I find free wifi. Sure I tell myself that I am just
gonna check my email and hop on Facebook. But this quickly escalates and turns into a Twitter battle with Donald Trump about whether Nicki Manaj’s ass is real or not (hey, it could happen. LoL). I mean, these are the critical discussions that society needs to have right now! Inquiring minds are dying to know.

8. This will be a great chance for me to catch up on all the work I have to do.

Nope. Never gonna happen. Between, eating, shopping, Netflix, and sneaking on social media while pretending I’m not, I have no time to actually work on anything. I mean, sure i’ll bring my tablet or laptop along for the ride, but that doesn’t mean I would go so far as to use them, unless it’s for Netflix or trolling social meada like the social media monger that I am.

9. Don’t worry, I won’t spend a lot of time taking pictures. I know how annoying it is to wait for someone who takes like 10,000 pictures.

Hold on guys. Tyra Banks told me to smile and find the light. Just getting my Top Model swerve on.

Pshh. You won’t even know I have a camera. I am so not one of those people that stops every two minutes to get a shot of a discarded candy wrapper that,”romantically” fell to the ground.

Ten minutes later, Kelly chimes,  “Omg, look how amazing that temple is! Let me get out my selfie stick with a flash so that I can get my best angle in front of the temple.”

Twenty minutes later, my random friend moans, “Kelly, my stomach is eating itself, can we go?”

Kelly replies, ” But wait, it hasn’t been THAT long. I just took a few photos. Besides, the last one had a cat on the ground and analytics show that cat memes are not as favorable as they used to be, so he may reduce my Instagram engagement if he’s in the picture. Besides, he detracts from my etherial beauty and plus, I can’t leave until I get the proper arch on this pizza as it goes into my mouth. I want my followers to think I’m skinny but that all I eat is pizza.”

So yeah, clearly that worked out just as I planned.

10. No, this time we are going to see EVERYTHING on our itinerary. I feel it. It will happen.

Thankfully, most of the places I visit end up being a lot more entertaining than I thought. So the result is that while yes, I have a blast, I also never actually end up doing everything I had planned. This one isn’t so bad though because then I have an excuse to go back.

But my ultra serious case of FOMO (fear of missing out) does go into overdrive when I am on vacation and I just run out of time to see and do basically everything on the planet (like when I went to Paris and missed Versailles. I am still bitter about that by the way. Insert random sad emoji here).

So there you have it. Some of the most outlandish lies that I tell myself while traveling. Oh well, maybe i’ll just throw all these false promises on my New Year’s Resolution list. You know, the one that falls by the wayside as soon as the clock strikes midnight on January first? Yup, that list. It’s in mint condition, has never been used, and is growing ever larger by the minute.