15 Reasons Why I am not a glamorous traveler

April 28, 2017

I am NOT a Glamorous Traveler

We have all seen THOSE type of glamorous travelers. You know, the type. The woman who emerges from the ocean with her hair and teeth glistening in the warmth of the sun. She flips her hair as she walks along the sand and it lands gently at her side, perfectly framing the angular cheek bones of her blemish free face. Her exquisit

No photos please!! My pride can’t take it!!!

ely tanned skin accentuates her tightly toned physique, as she oozes glamour from every pore of her body (along with expensive Clinique moisturizer). She seamlessly glides towards her satin beach towel, which she elegantly drapes around herself, with not a speck of sand in site.

I respect these women. They somehow manage to keep it all together and appear truly stunning, even in the most adverse of travel conditions. Meanwhile I’m sitting over here, struggling to brush my teeth, let alone put an entire outfit together. I don’t know. I think I’m missing some sort of innate fashion gene because I just don’t have the patience to do my hair and makeup, coordinate my outfits, and get a manicure and pedicure. That is so not my idea of a good time. Frankly, it kind of overwhelms me and that’s why I admire women who can do this on a daily basis.

I am just not a glamazon and I am totally okay with that. I own my not so glamours ways because when I roll up onto a beach, I carry a $5 Walmart beach towel that actually scratches my leg because it is about as soft as sand paper (I didn’t need that extra layer of skin, did I?). As I take off my soccer shorts before I get into the water, I almost fall on my face because my foot gets stuck in one of the legs of my shorts. I recover everything except my pride and reveal my swimsuit du jour; a faded, one piece bathing suit that is from my not so triumphant days of high school swimming.

Awkward, Party of one!!

As I try and spread out my vivacious towel, that is ceaselessly flapping in the breeze, I catch a glimpse of my toes and shudder. My toenails more closely resemble raptor claws than they do any type of human body part I have ever seen (oops. I knew I forgot to do something before I left). As my head rises up, the sun shimmers across the plethora of leg hair that is remnant from this morning’s shaving debacle (I’m ignoring the bandaid on my knee that was a souvenir from my shaving efforts). I slather my pasty white skin with 70 plus SPF sun tan lotion since my dainty, anglo-saxon skin shrivels and burns when it is exposed to the light of day. But because I lather up with a can of spray, sun tan lotion, I accidentally squirt some in my eye and lose one of my contacts. Squinting through my remaining contact, I manage to apply my sunscreen and accidentally miss a huge patch of skin. I know this because when I emerge from the ocean, I have this weird looking patch of red on my leg that resembles some sort of bizarre gang symbol (Who knows, maybe I can blend in with the other thugs?).

As a result of incidents like the one above, I have concluded that my life is an adorably, hilarious, series of unglamorous travel experiences. I am just not that fancy (Iggy Iggs) and am totally okay with it. But it took me awhile to figure that out. For a long time, I tried to be one of those ultra-glamorous women with perfectly quaffed hair. But the more I tried to be super posh, the more self-conscious I felt. Sure, the clothes and makeup looked nice, I mean no one wants to walk around looking like Shrek, but somehow, I just did not feel like myself. That’s why I have embraced my not so classy ways and present to you the 15 Reasons Why I am Not a Glamorous Traveler.

 

1. Pack pants without an elastic waistband is a struggle.

I love Febrile!! I do, I do, I doooo!!!

True story!! My suitcase literally looks like an Under Armor outlet shopping mall (minus the obvious signs of wear and tear on my clothes). That’s because gym clothes are just so damn comfy!! I mean, who doesn’t want to walk around in ever expanding elastic so that they can eat all their favorite foods and NOT feel guilty about it? That’s why I rock the soccer mom look with my yoga pants and new balance sneakers ( Just take out the children and athletic prowess and I could totally rock soccer mom status).  Seriously though, my biggest packing dilemma is whether I should bring a hoodie with or without a zipper. Oh the eternal struggles in life!

2. The only perfume I use is deodorant.

Sad but true. I never wear perfume. I just cannot bring myself to spend $70 on a bottle of something that I am not eating or drinking (I know where my priorities lie). The only reason I have any perfume at all is because a friend gave me a free sample. But even then, I am pretty lack luster about using it and am more inclined to spray myself with a light mist of Febreze. Talk about fresh (Just kidding. I don;t love Febreze THAT much)!

3. I carry makeup. It’s called chapstick.

Chapstick is the best makeup EVER!

I am totally makeup inept. That’s why I have a little kit with detailed, step by step instructions about how to apply each item in the package. It’s awesome because there is no way I can mess it up. But I only wear makeup for very formal occasions because that is the only time I have the patience to do it (and then laboriously wash it all off after. It never seems to come off. Talk about annoying). Otherwise, I just rock chapstick and moisturizer all day everyday, like a BOSS!

4. The only skincare product I have is sunscreen.

Many people have toners and clarifiers and cleansers and moisturizers and wrinkle repair creams. Meanwhile, I’m over here with my two in one moisturizer-sunscreen, wondering what the heck all these other products are even for . It’s all sounds like another very expensive language that I just do not speak.

5. The fanciest bra I own is a sports bra.

Hold up. Shut the front door! You mean there are bras out there that you fasten? And that have an underwire, and maybe even push things up? Wow! That sounds like a lot of work. I’m just gonna throw on a sports bra and go. The best part though is that they’re cheap, easy to fold, and don’t have any special washing instructions. Plus, I can wear them both inside and outside of the gym. Seriously, it’s like a  little  life miracle.

I like to roll with my granny panty wearing homies.

6. Granny panties are what all the hip kids are wearing right?

So, as we already established, I wear exclusively yoga pants. As a result, the fabric has a tight fit around
my butt and the underwear line sometimes shows through. The only reason I know about this issue is because a friend told me that I could remedy this situation by simply wearing a thong. Well, that happened once and I felt like I had a permanent wedgie. Therefore, I continue to rock my granny panties and if the world sees the hint of an underwear line, then so be it (That is my tragic burden to bare and I accept it nobly).

7. Socks aren’t mandatory, are they?

Socks are optional right? Like a suggested guideline when putting on footwear of any kind? People always yell at me for this because when I don’t wear socks, my feet sweat and my shoes start to smell. I just smile and say, “Where is that Febreeze at? (Come on guys. Febreeze solves every problem, even Calculus. Just kidding!) ”

8. Packing heels is not an option because I don’t own any.

I know I know, it’s terrible. A crime against humanity if you will, but I just can’t walk in them. Whenever I wear heels, I look like a 4 year old trying to walk around n her mother’s shoes. Plus, on the rare occasion that I do wear heels, my feet hurt so much that I feel like I just ran a marathon in bare feet. Therefore, heels of any kind are a no go when I’m traveling. It’s just not gonna happen.

9. My suitcase looks like something that the monster from the black lago

on ate and then spit out because it was too gnarly even for him.

I see these women toting their pristine, Louis Vuitton luggage behind them and I wonder how the hell their bag looks so immaculate. I mean, even when I check my bag as a carry on, I still manage to spill something on it or rub it against a wall full of wet paint. Therefore, by the time I return home, my luggage looks like a glorified hobo bag  (and not in the designer way. In the, people might actually start tossing coins into my cup because they feel so bad for me kind of way). Seriously, that’s why I can’t have anything nice. The best though is when I have rolling luggage and the wheel breaks half way through my trip. Talk about amazing. Who doesn’t love dragging a useless rolling bag with them everywhere they go? (Totally sarcastic. I know that sort of
thing doesn’t translate well via blog. The best though is when you have to drag your broken rolling bag up a flight of stairs because there is no elevator. Pure perfection).

10. The only hair dryer that I have is the wind.

I am so bad when it comes to hair dryers. I just don’t have the patience for them, (and my hair is fine so it takes like no time at all. Fun fact, I used to say my hair was thin but my mom yelled at me because she said I wasn’t balding.) and even when I do use them, I leave half my hair wet because I get bored and give up. Therefore, I embrace the lightly tousled, wind swept look that roughly translates to, “I’m traveling and don’t give two craps about my hair. So, if you’re going to judge me then that’s awesome because I will never see you again. Toodles!”

11. I have two hairs styles, a bun and a ponytail. Everything else is too much work.

Me rocking one of the only hair styles I know, like a BOSS.

Buns and ponytails accurately sum up the variety of hairstyles that are in my repertoire. And if I’m feeling really creative, I may even throw a braid into the mix for good measure (but no french braids because they’re way too complicated for me). Now, I know you’re probably wondering why I don’t just wear my hair down since that is the easiest style of all. Well, when I do this it either gets in my face so that I can’t see anything, (and I can’t fall on my face because my face is the money maker for sure) or I find myself sucking down hair balls like a freaking cat. No thanks. I’ll stick to my buns and ponytails, even if they are a bit lame.

12. The only manicure I get is when I bite my nails.

Yeah, I gave up on manicures a long time ago. First of all, I bite my nails and that alone renders a manicure completely useless. On top of that, I am so clumsy that the minute I get out of the salon, I smash my nails into something and totally ruin them (Talk about feeling like you’re winning at life). Therefore, to make matters easier, I just bite my nails and call it day. Plus, I really don’t miss them yanking out my cuticles. If I really wanted to sign myself up for torture, I would attend a Teletubbie marathon.

13. Personal Hygiene rules don’t apply on an overnight train right?

Talk about awful selfies. I took this picture myself and I still look weirdly surprised and dismayed. I’m gonna lie to myself and pretend I had stomach flu that day.

What do you mean that your teeth and body get groody while you’re traveling on the train? I thought all personal hygiene rules were suspended since overnight train travel is annoying at best. And let’s be real, who wants to wash their face and brush their teeth in those teeny tiny train bathrooms? It’s a total nightmare because not only is there always an insane line, but as soon as you set foot in the bathroom, it reeks from the atomic bomb of ickiness that the person before you left behind (talk about the gift that keeps on giving). Instead,  I’ll just get my coma on and wake up when the torturous train ride is over.

14. The only thing that flies first class is my air mail.

I have never flown first class, but I am sure it is amazing. I just haven’t reached baller status yet, so I just can’t afford to roll into first class like a big shot. But maybe one day. Either that or i’ll magically get bumped up from my seat in coach next to the screaming baby, hormonal teenagers sucking  face, and the rather pungent man next to me who does not stop talking (Dude, head phones always mean no talkie talkie).

15. When I take photos, I always make myself look
10 pounds heavier.

Dude, I have no idea what is wrong with me but even my selfies suck. Everyone else has these exquisite shots where they are gracefully strewn across a bed of flowers that gently rest upon a park bench. Me, my eyes are half closed, I look like I’m sucking down bugs, I have a jabba the hud double chin, there’s drool at the corner of my mouth, and oh yes, a booger in my nose to top it all off. I look like the poster child for why kids shouldn’t eat paint chips. Just do me a favor and whatever you do, don’t ask me to take your picture because whatever photos I take will make you feel super self-conscious (No, you don;t really look like that and yes, it is totally me).

girlwiththepassport

Nanny by day and travel blogger any other time.

I love writing and traveling and bearing my soul on the page.
I want to inspire others to face their fears and join me on an adventure.

https://www.instagram.com/girlwitthepassport/
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60 Comments

  • Kristine 7 months ago

    Haha, I can totally relate to a lot of these. I don’t own a hair dryer, never traveled first class, look fat(ter) in photos and I live in yoga pants. I own one pair of heels, but only used them twice in my life. Last time was two years ago. Lol. My main hairstyle is wearing my hair down, unbrushed. All the girls here in Paris do it, so I guess you can call “bed hair” Parisian chic.

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Omg I am laughing out loud literally. I love it. That is too funny. I am gonna now say that I do what they do in Paris and consider myself stylish. LoL

  • Jackie Ronnell 7 months ago

    Ha! I just went from a multi-day hiking trek in Malta to this beautiful city in Sicily. So when I got to Sicily I looked around and realized ‘oh, damn, there’s other people around me now. Maybe I should do something about myself’. So I’m more of a grimy traveler that folds under societal pressure and has little glam moments now and then 🙂 Great article!

  • Ali 7 months ago

    YES!!! I can soooo relate to so many of these! I think I wear makeup twice a year, so I certainly don’t bring it traveling with me. Heels? Um, no. I do own a few pairs, leftover from my days working in an office, but I haven’t worn them in 6 years. Not sure why I’m still hanging onto them. Personal hygiene on transit days, no matter what kind or whether it’s over night or during the day, it all goes out the window. I think I always look 10 pounds heavier in photos too. And perfume…no thanks. I have a few solid perfume sticks that I love but I usually forget to even use them. Love this post!

  • Cris 7 months ago

    LOL! I think I am bit more “glamorous” but not too much :)))
    I often forget the chapstick at home btw, though I know i shouldn’t. I actually do use hand creme and face creme…at home. Sunscreen yes, I buy that when I get somewhere :))
    I live in my capris / jeans + t-shirt + sneakers / sandals. obviously depending on the season haha
    I used to get my nails done some years ago (10+) but one girl f** them up badly and I gave it up. Clear nail polish and that’s it. I .hate.hair dryers! never use one even at home

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      As long as you are happy then that is all that matters. Glad you could relate and get a good laugh.

  • Becky 7 months ago

    Oh my goodness so funny this is exactly me too. Currently havent brushed my hair in 2 maybe 3 days because its such a tangled mess. Have washed it though…. in the sea hs ha. Glad I am not alone 😊😊😊

  • Prachi | Bachelor of Roaming 7 months ago

    These points are so hilarious and true! I love this post!! Looking forward to more such amazing and entertaining posts from you.. Thank You! 🙂

  • Paulina Grabara-Król 7 months ago

    so so cool article! so funny! and I love your photos!

  • Lucy 7 months ago

    You are such a breath of fresh air! Another brilliant and hilarious post; and I totally agree re the hairdryer and heels. They are the last thing I would ever dream of taking away with me!

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Thank you and I just don;t have the time or energy for them. I’ll save that for when it’s a special occasion or a wedding. LoL

  • Christina 7 months ago

    I SERIOUSLY RELATE TO THIS ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL. Like, I try to keep myself together for the sake of blogging/photos but on the days when I know I’m not doing anything blog-related? Total, unrecognizable gremlin. I can’t get into expensive perfume either. I feel like it’s way too subjective and something I love could easily be like poison for someone else haha. Deodorant is simpler!

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      haha. I am so glad you relate. And I never got the perfume thing. i also feel like it attracts bugs and I hate bugs.

  • carol 7 months ago

    awsmmm write up… u go girl

  • Leah Sullivan 7 months ago

    This was hilarious thanks for the post! I feel ya on numbers 8, 10, 12, 13, 14! haha

  • Meghan 7 months ago

    Love this! This is 100% me! I always tell myself (especially if it’s sunny out) – “I’m wearing sunglasses anyways, who will see the makeup under them??”.

  • Sara 7 months ago

    Haha I love this. I can relate to a lot of it, though my go to clothes are dresses for comfort and ease. I know that sounds silly to some but its so true. But my make up is chapstick too. And when I travel I barely brush my hair… hell I barely wash it haha

  • Sheila 7 months ago

    The post is great. I used to be super self-conscious before (I still am but not nearly to the extent I was). In Puerto Rico, if you go to the mall you have to look decent. Imagine my surprise and relief when I realized I could wear joggers to almost anywhere here in the US! I still feel weird if I’m underdressed, but I’m not sacrificing sleep anymore to dry my hair or achieve perfect makeup. Priorities sure do change.

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Thank you so much and I hear you. I think culture has a lot to do with what we feel comfortable wearing

  • Jen 7 months ago

    Lol! I love how real you keep it. I’m constantly trying to look good on the go and it’s exhausting! I usually post pictures from the very beginning, before the sweat, frizz and exhaustion kick in haha. And having taken heels with me before, it’s hell, I can vouch for that. Chapstick is the bomb though 😉

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      That is really smart to take all the pics at the start before you get all gross. But i give you so much credit for doing that. I just can’t. LoL

  • RJ 7 months ago

    OMG this is the BEST! I can totally relate!

  • Gabby 7 months ago

    love this! I can appreciate the glamorous travel look but I just can’t do it either… love that you are so down to earth!

  • Brianna 7 months ago

    Girl. I relate to this on so many levels. Traveling any other way just sounds so stressful! Huzzah to the ladies who travel for themselves and not for Instagram!

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Absolutely. Instagram doesn’t really factor much into my travel plans because I do it for me

  • Kat 7 months ago

    Such a fun post! I’ll never be a glamorous traveler either. I’m also clueless about skincare products! And I have to take a lot of selfies before I finally find one I like.

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Me too!! It’s crazy how many I have to take before one looks remotely decent.

  • Jain@ travblog.com 7 months ago

    In this present world where travel to the amazing places just for the purpose of getting the perfect glamorous selfie or the most likes in fb, you remain as one of the true wanderer of mother nature! Happy travels 🙂

  • Suzie Kelsey 7 months ago

    Haha this cracked me up girl! Everyone has their own style of travel, sounds like you’ve got yours figured out 😉

  • Julia 7 months ago

    Nice post! I needed something like this 🙂 I do use makeup and like to get a pretty outfit on, but I do not even try to compare to those glamour travel-fashion-lifestyle bloggers out there cause I find it so hard to make it all work. I have no fashion sense, I just wear what I like and it has to be comfortable when I travel. And I suck at taking pictures so that’s a struggle for the blog 😛 Keep up the good work 🙂

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Thanks so much and I think that it fab. Whatever you do is great as long as you are true to yourself and don;t compare yourself to others.

  • Minna 7 months ago

    I feel like we were probably separated at birth. I was reading this like- yes, yes, yup, me too.

    I’ve learnt to fully embrace my non glamorous look and it sounds like you have too!

    More power to ya!

  • Nuraini 7 months ago

    LOL this is so funny 🙂 Yeah, I look puffy in selfies too and my eyes always look mismatched!! For #11 may I introduce you to Buff headwear? It’s replaced pretty much all my hair things (except the scrunchy, but it’s close!).

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      omg, you may have just changed my life. I am gonna have to look that up right now!!

  • Kate 7 months ago

    This speaks to me on soooo many levels. I spend a lot of my time outdoors when I travel so, the hardest decision I have to make is hiking boots or docs? I couldn’t even imagine spending the time to ‘get ready’ to travel.

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Especially if you’re hiking. that would be such a waste and you wouldn;t be comfortable. I love docs btw.

  • Sara Essop 7 months ago

    Haha, you remind me of me. Elastic pants, no heels , no makeup and the wind for a hairdryer – I can identify 🙂

  • maegan white 7 months ago

    I LOVED everything about this! Gosh, the instagram girls (and guys) today kill me! How are you gonna change into a cute dress while you’re freaking hiking a mountain. I am all about that bun/ponytail/side braid girlfriend! Don’t ask me how to straighten my curls or contour my cheeks bc I am CLUELESS! haha glad I am not alone!

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      No. I am totally like, are you guys speaking another language? Because I have no idea what all these things do, let alone want to spend 10,000 dollars on the product. and the inappropriate dress is hilarious. I see people like that all the time. I’m all about keeping it real.

  • Julia 7 months ago

    I loved your post. I can relate. Good for you to male it into a joke. As for granny panties: there are that are seamless. Try Uniqlo they are cheap and invisible and sooooo comfortable. I should know;)

  • Julia 7 months ago

    *make not male….:D

  • Jill at Reading the Book 7 months ago

    I love this post so much! I was nodding and smiling the whole way through… In my head I am a stylish and sophisticated world traveller, then I see the photos and realise I’m pink, sweaty and kind of overweight, and that outfit that I was so sure “would do” makes me look like a clown. But you know what – don’t care! Thanks for a very funny and relatable post… 😊

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      I am right there with you. I really don;t care what other people think anymore and as long as I enjoy my travels then that’s all that counts. Glad you could relate!

  • Katherine 7 months ago

    You just described me. I look at those instagram photos of women in heels, daintily strolling through Roman ruins (I assume it’s dainty anyway) in flowing skirts and pretty tops. And I think “I could never look like that”. Seriously. I would be wearing jeans, joggers and some ratty t-shirt. My hair would be in a ponytail or a bun with frizzy flyaways sticking out in all directions. And my photos have double chins. But whatevs! We’re legit travellers as well.

    • girlwiththepassport 7 months ago

      Yeah. I don;t have the energy t do that and to me that doesn’t sound like fun. i want to enjoy what I’m looking at and not think about if my hair is out of place.

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